Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
