Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
