Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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