What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize