Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
