so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
