I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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