I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
