Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
