dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize