Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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