I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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