According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
