the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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