Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
