Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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