She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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