I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
