she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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