omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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