Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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