onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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