three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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