mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize