Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
