Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
