I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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