he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
