There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
