Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
