3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Blood and glitter go together right?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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