Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
