the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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