every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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