I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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