can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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