We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm like, not good at living.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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