New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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