I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
