Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
