He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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