I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
