Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
