OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
