Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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