i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
