i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
