Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize