I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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