I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
A+ Viking dick
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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