I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
