dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
