new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
