i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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