Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
