my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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