I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
