im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize