i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
