you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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