he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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