I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
