I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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