Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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