I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
