Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
